"There are those who would rather shake the Devil by the tail...

So, a couple days before my exam I began to get panic/anxiety attacks at night. They haven't gone away, but I can prevent them completely happening my focusing on the dialouge of the TV I've been leaving on the past weeknights. Thankfully, there's a timer I can set for it to go off after a certain number of hours/minutes. It's been working out well.

However.

The past couple days, I've been feeling, like.. I dunevenknow, like, I've been so paranoid. I've been thinking about shit I don't want to think about (What's the meaning of life? DOES ANY OF THIS MATTER? AM I ADOPTED?!?! DDD': *emoemoangst*) and I feel like my whole life is just turning into a waste. Today was supposed to be a day of productivity. I wanted to draw and write and crap, stuff I've been wanting to do because my mind is busy with ideas, but have been lacking motivation. But I slept until TWELVE. After which, I was entirely unmotivated to do anything. And it doesn't help that I've had the strangest dreams the past two nights (plus this morning).

I went over my Nana's house today to help her with stuff, got up too late, so I went over there in my pajamas (slippers and all). I was going to take a quick nap on her big comfy chair that resides in her living room, but the radiator was making its usually obnoxious noises right next to my ear. (Think: A really loud, metallic BANGING. ><) so, I went into one of the bedrooms, got under the covers and decided I was going to take a little nap. (I was still in my COAT) A LITTLE NAP. I got to her house at EIGHT and woke up at TWELVE. During which time I had an annoying dream that I think was a continuation of a dream from last night.

But allow me to begin with the night before last's dream. Bare with me, it's strange. 

So, it starts off with me in my room. Only, I have light brown hair that's let down and I have nearly an exact twin sitting right next to me, a tad older looking with darker brown hair (it's annoying how I can remember some parts so clearly, but some parts are completely missing). I think we're talking, and kind of scared at the same time, and what I believe is my mother but really ISNT, walks in and demands to see my "sister". Now, this little ho (she looks petite-ish, with perfect short hair like, poofy kinda, but she's kinda blurry in my mind), is acting so polite, I wonder why myself and my sister are so scared at it. Timidly, my sister walks out with her and I hear something (I think it was screaming) and splatter-sounds. (it's kind of like a stop-motion movie almost, some parts I remember fliudly, then there's a moment or two missing) I run out and see my "mother" standing by the kitchen desk, and I look into the door-opening of the living room and see blood splattered on the windows, and see my father, I'm assuming, he's blurriest of all, sitting on the couch. I'm pleading with my mother - who's slightly covered in blood - saying things like "No, oh please, it can't be true, why?" and she's trying to calm me down saying things like, "For your own good" and thinking she's going to kill me, I run through the kitchen, out the garage, and to the right of my house, up road, right turn, then a bunch of other turns while all in a neighborhood that's exactly like my own (and it didn't help for much comfort that the house I was in before was EXACTLY like mine) all the while in bare feet, but then suddenly, I reach this really short beach place. Like, about ten feet across and then on either side are those really high mounds of sands with the tall grass on them. My dad is there, we're talking or something, then I'm back in the house same place I was before with my "mother", only this time she makes a motive to kill me, then I run back out to the garage, but I hear my mother scream to my father to lock the gate, which he does and then turns into this really ominous shadow person with red eyes and he looks at me through the opening in the gate as I try to open it. Then it just ends .____. There might have been something more after that, a different dream, but if there was I don't remember.

The one last night was even stranger. I know there was more before where I'm going to start, but whatever. I'm in this industrial looking place and I get on one of those seat thingies with those bars across it (y'know, the one that's attatched to a rail and it takes you over beaches and... places... yeah.) and I'm cramped next to this really muscular guy that looks maybe a year or two older than me, and we just sit there in awkward silence, until something gets my attention and I turn around, putting one of my hands near his chest by accident. Then I catch myself and apologize and he goes, "That's okay.. I don't mind" all bashful-like, like he likes me or something. Then I think we talk for a while, then after we get off, we're still in the industrial place, only in a different area, and he turns out to be rather really effin' TALL, so as I say my farewells to him, my face is at his stomach, then he pats me on the head, pauses, then looks all really digusted as he takes out a dadgum piece of bread crust from my hair. I get embarressed and run off. The end ._.

Now, this morning's dream scared me more than the first one when I was having it. I'm at school in one of the hallways and (I know more happened before this, but I can't describe it because it's way to hazey ><) and I'm running, then I get to the next hallway at a left turn corner, and it's really, freakishly dark and I can see this creepy, hunched back figure coming up really faced-paced towards my direction. I run back down the hallway, but this freakish lepruchan-looking guy with a knife and one of those janitor things they wheel around (with the mop and water in it) begins chasing after me, so I become conflicted about which way to go. So, I run towards the leprachun dude, then make a sharp turn as he nearly stabs me and I keep running. I remember having to give my school books back to my teachers, and I try to find Matt. (yes, Matt, you, if you're reading this.) because he's in my English class and I recall having already dropped off my History book first. I remain completely scared throughout, then I remember just appearing in this really, really, freakishly elaborate gold-shiny church that's completely MASSIVE and I think I found friends, because I ask them where Matt is and they say they don't know, all the while being scared, then I begin searching through the pews, come upon Matt whom I think had a sock puppet on his hand and he's all effin' jolly while I'm scared shitless. I ask him something then he looks at me weird and goes "I dunno" or something like that. Annnndd... yeah, there was a lot more to that and it was a lot more frightening than how I'm describing it .___.;;; Mostly because the other stuff is hard to describe since I can barely remember it.

Nyehh... i dunno anymore >< I wanna get up early so I can do the stuff I planned to do today... and now that I got all of that stuff off of my chest, I feel better kinda. Strangely :D ...Stop looking at me like I'm crazy DDDD': swh4i tuowehytiw45tpryw4